Steppps – Friedenspilgern

Dear beautiful, happy and lovely friends.

Happy New Yeah to all of you. May you be carried by love, peace, care and support during all the year and may freedom surround you.

I am still in Moreh/Manipur/India, at the border to Myanmar. Time went by, but the border is still closed.

For me its until here not utmost a waiting time. Days went by so quick. Days went like hours and weeks like days.

There is always so much happening inside of myself. So many levels want to be relaxed and viewed. And I don’t know where it all comes from.
After relaxing different levels reguarding the body and the walk, other levels started to come up. Pain here and there, feeling paralized there and there….
There are always so many levels of life who want to be looked at.
At the moment, since at least a week, I am again busy with one old trauma. I mentioned it already so often here on the blog from time to time. Its again another level and somehow very painful.
First I thought, its again about not loving myself enough, for what I am. Not loving myself enough for being in this life a gay person, a person with gay feelings.
But its not this only. Yes it is related to it and how this chapter in my life had manifested during the time I came out….
But this time its related how I was handling it in the 80th to myself, in myself. I kept it so much as a secret. I did not tell a single person. I was so much in love with a guy, I met in 1983/84 in Poland. During that time the Wall, the Iron curtain was still a big barrier between East and West Europe. So travelling there was so complicated. And communication by phone or letter was also so nerv racking. A letter from one side to the other took about three weeks and phoning was almost not possible. If I wanted to call him, I had to dial for hours and hours. Because his family had no phone I had to call the neighbor. A phone call try could sometimes take several days and countless hours to get through.
Me with my ‚in love pain‘ and actually not allowing myself to believe, that I was gay, even I was in love with another guy, and with a super conservative family in this field, to that time, not knowing anyone who felt the same, not admitting my ‚gay status‘ to myself, in fear so looking for help, in fear I would not being accepted by society,…. and so on, I looked myself up in a ’secret prison’….. This took place for 7 years, with only myself dealing with the situation.
In this time I created a shield around my true feelings, and this was hurting me so so much. I dont know, if family history, ancestors history or karma pushed me to do so, and this is also not the point, because in the end I had to deal with it. During this 7 years, after I came out and still until this day.
So in this last week, the field around that old painful trauma opened up and I still carry the pain… in my left side, from my left hip up to my heart and shoulder. And its still so strong, that I am so surprised, that again and again I have to deal with my behaviour around the fact of being only a man, who has gay feelings. I am ‚out‘ since 1991 somehow, this is not a secret anymore since then, but still its a topic in my emotional field…. I can’t believe, that this is only from this life…. how can it be, that this is still bothering me so much….
So I do care about that area, and I hope so much, with lots of love in myself and towards myself and this areas, it can peel, level by level, so this trauma can heal and free me more and more.
So this is also my or a inside ‚border‘ to overcome. My inside border, which is still not open, where I have to work on – while the outside Myanmar border is also still closed.
Somehow I am tired of again and again, dealing with my identity and another level of it…. but also grateful, I can see it now, that it turns up again on the surface to enroll, to show up, to heal, to make me more free, free at all and at all levels.

Morey

At the 22.11.2020 I arrive in Moreh, a dusty border town. I have crossed India. Wow.

On Facebook I write
I arrived at the border from India to Myanmar.
Here I am open for a miracle. Because border is closed. Visa is not there yet.
8.420 km I only walked in India/Nepal in the last 3 years.
23.434 km since I started in Germany 8 years ago.
Myanmar is the last country on the official steppps peace walk.

David hosts me for the first 2 days. Then I do stay in a simple hotel, I call it a hole, because it does not have a window and it makes me depressiv.
Finally I move to a Rest House. It is owned by the government of Manipur, Electricity department. Its just great here. I am here now already 2 weeks, I enjoy the big room, bed with mosquito net, and the silent at night. Fresh air and the kind of garden, a pavilion…. good place for resting.

The Immigration officer at the border has started a request to the central government, to open the border, Indian site, for me, so that I can walk over the little bridge to the other side. After that allowance he can request the Myanmar side officially. Because of Covid19 and a lockdown in Myanmar (until 15.12.2020) the border currently closed.
Sadly, after 3 weeks in Moreh, there is still no answer.

In the mean time I did rest. And again, lots of things came up, in my body and mind, and I don’t have a clue, where it all comes from. But there are levels and levels of stuff, who needs to be diguested……

Since yesterday I feel, that I come to another stage now, where I can actively do more now, for getting the Visa. Lets hope.

Angaan Ching Eco Park in Kakching

I stayed a week at Woods and Earth. Taking rest and good food. Enjoyed here and there company. I am surprised how many people come here to book a place at the riverside just for picknick.
But I need rest rest rest.
Sometimes I sit on one of the two swings. Andy installed them over the creek, so you can relax and have your legs to the same time in the water. What a good idea.

After two days walking I reach Kakching. People advise me, to stay at the hotel opposite of of a gas station. But arriving there, there is no hotel at all.
But there is a big building, so I try. But the entrance does not look like a hotel entrance at all. Its a privat house. Today is ’sisters day‘. The female married women come back to there parents house. One man gets very angry at me, so I leave…..
Why do people tell me with such a conviction such a thing, if there is no hotel in town.
Outside I have a little rest, then start walking towards Pallel.
After 2km the son of the ‚big house‘, Param, comes behind me and apologise for the behaviour of his unfriendly relative, in the name of the whole family. I really appreciate this a lot. And he comes with an invitation. I can stay with the family.
Next morning, Oken, the father invites me to stay longer. I accept for another day. ‚Why do you need such a big house?‘ ‚My wife, Momeza, is a doctor, partly working in a hospital, but I want her to work at home. So, in the ground floor she also has already a office and patients are coming‘. There is also very nice entrance area and in the ground floor is my guest room. ‚I the first floor my family lives there‘. ‚But why do you need two more floors on top?‘ Until now, there are also not completed. But on top of the 4 floor building is a very nice roof. ‚Maybe one floor for my son‘ ‚And the 4th level?‘ ‚This could be for a Yoga studio, some froends of mine are yoga teachers. In the moment, they teach in Russia, but when they come back….‘ So the whole building will become a ‚community center‘, great. Oken shows me around the garden. Some 100 meters away he builded a fabric to dry fruits and pack them.
Then we do a visiting tour to his relatives. Really nice family – some of them saw me already yesterday. A niece is practicing also Vipassana, so we have a nice chat. Then we visit an uncle, who just extends his house. He plans to open a laboratory to breed eatable mushroom, who grow on Branche. So people can buy at his laboratory to cultivate there own mushrooms.
And then, he says, while sitting again in the car ‚Now, there is a big surprise coming, a really big…..‘ I am looking forward. We meet his uncle Surgit, a little outside of Kakching. Its a Eco Park. Angaan Ching Eco Park is an NGO, to reforest a whole hill. Its a project where the whole town is involved. Lots of people plant and adopt a tree, to make the whole reforestation possible. I am really happy to be here as a guest and say ‚Yes I am on a peace walk, but sometimes, I think, I mainly walk for Mother Earth. And I walk also for such projects to happen, that people get open, to do something, like you do here. I try to plant seeds and open consciousness of people, so they can invent projects like this….., thanks for doing this. I am so greatful‘. Finally Surjit invites me to plant a tree, he will adopt him, water him and so on. Excellent, this visit.

The other days, I have to cross some mountains again, highest is 1.500m. I meet really nice people and hosts. Nature is ahain so beautiful.

Perception

One day, I learn something about my perception and especially I learn to let go of some fear and be more free. I admit, that perception of recognition of names anyway, but also faces, is often not there. It has been so often in my life, that I felt so awkward and ashamed, that I can’t remember names or even faces, when I have seen the person only once or sometimes twice.
It was, when I met Amarjit again. I met him first at the exit of Jiribam, 10 days before that second meeting. He was a policeman, controlling me back in Jiribam, but later we communicated on WhatsApp. He was interested whats going on etc, gave some advise….
When I saw him second, I did not remember anything of his person, he handed me water and chips, said the day of my fathers death… and I was confused. Then he said ‚I gave you some bananas, when we met first…‘ A big question mark arose in my mind. I searched all the moments of connecting with anyone in the last 5 days or so…. but could not find any solution of my thought loss….. and I searched for a situation, where someone gave me 5, 6 bananas…. Then after a long while I finally remembered ‚But you did not give me some bananas, it was a bunch of 12,15 or more….‘ but I still could not remember his face…. but all of the situation. Faces vanish or change in my mind, when I dont see the person anymore or only by writing, phone…. and I little bit later I could confess freely, thats, how my mind works…..
Thanks Amarjit ❤❤❤

On the way

There are no hotels on the whole way. The reason maid be, even though the nature is so beautiful, that the people from the plain area, who would be the creators of such places, are not allowed by law to buy land from the mountain tribes. But here and there a nice simple but cosy hotel – the people would all benefit. On the other hand, nature stayed here so beautifully.

One time I stayed in a somehow lodge in Nungba, half way, for a couple if days. And I had to stay, because through some heavy rain nearly all my close where completely wet. No way, that they could dry during one night in this season. The room I got was without any window, no connection to nature, and done by corrugated iron, totally uncosy. And the owners were forced to kick me, a foreigner, out again, because of some ‚talking‘ in the village. It was uncomfortable, to stay there, but I had no other choise.

All the other days, I was hosted by very nice people. Some picked me up from the steeet, others I had to ask, once at a police station with a remarkable view, once at a school, about 5 times in a series at some churches.
Especially the series at the church places have been amazing. I allowed them, to cook for me, even in the evening, because the Christians here eat a bit earlier, then most Indians. And to my surprise, they cooked the most delicious, just steamed vegetables I have eaten for a long time. Including some bamboo spouds, banana flowers, pumpkin, local beans, potatoes and so on. Thank you all so much. I little overeat myself a bit…. but still a joy and sooo tasty.
But after some days of eating in the evening I am happy to come back to the benefits of not eating at evening/night.

Manipur is again a very Christian state, but most Christians life in the mountains. In the plains, I hear, more Hindu’s but also some Moslems.

The plains have the capital and around a lot of mostly, rice, farming.
The mountains are so gorgeous, full tropical forests.
Most people belong to some tripes, and it seems, most of them want, that Manipur comes independent from India again. They dont feel treated well. Even some underground groups are existing, mostly being up in the mountains…. and some forces army vehicles are always driving fully weaponed. Some days ago, I heard, there was a shooting going around between these two groups…..

Manipur is the first state, where I saw signs for using only toilets everywhere, otherwise fees of 1000 or 500 Rupies are supposed to come. Villagers and government build everywhere public toilets.

The ‚highway‘ is more a smaller road, mostly nice paved, but at some places a mud adventure experience for all the vehicles, motorcycles and me as a walker. At one place I was surprised, that the vehicles can manage at all, to get through that 20 to 40cm of mud? The highway route goes up to Nungba and usually continues on a north route as the official highway, but a bridge had totally collapsed, so everyone has to take the shorter south route, which I anyway had chosen.

Woods and Earth

Manipur is the last state in India. Now I have crossed about 200km, another 100km to come.

I am staying now at a camp ground called ‚Woods and Earth‘ in the ‚Imphal plains‘ (about 800m high) at the foothills of the mountains and have a rest.
Arriving here I was a bit overwhelmed, that universe wants me to have a rest, making decisions, where to put the given tent, accepting the fee rules etc. But I was in need of a rest. To underline the importance of staying a bit longer at this place, I suffered the first night a lot, by getting a cold and at the second night, having water running out of my nose intensely.
Now its already the 5th day at the camp.

The feeling is coming up, to complete the walk in India, the last 100km until the border, but also a ‚inpatient‘ sence, that maybe staying a bit longer for rest maid be good…..

I am a bit worried, how to get the Myanmar Visa, so a thought comes to my mind ‚maybe waiting for the Visa effort until 1st of December?‘

…..
….
…..

While writing I remember to be grateful for any sensations in my body

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

???????????
?‍♂️????????

Guilt

There is a feeling of guilt in my system, that I feel not any loss, when my father left his body. It seems, that society wants, that I feel a loss, when a friend or a relative leaves.
But how can I feel loss, when I am so happy, that he could manage to complete his life. I am so happy for him and I am so happy in myself.
Sure, I will miss him here and there, I guess, but I don’t feel a loss.
I guess, happiness and loss can’t play together.
In the moment, happiness governs me.

Dad died at 8.20am 26.10.2020

I have a day of rest. At midday Indian time, my father has finally managed to leave his body, passing the gate of transmission.
Ulrich, my brother, informs me by phone. I say ‚I am not going to play a game of being shocked and sad, because we have to behave like that, when someone passes away. I am just happy, and really, it was more then time, that he had to do the step….‘

And I am so happy, that he could manage, to pass…
It is a release for everyone….. it is, to make his life complete, he has to do that step…. then we all can see from another perspective, the whole life, the art work of all his life, has now a beginning and an end…. and the end has to be celebrated to, and I want to celebrate with happiness, because I feel happiness…. and because, it is happiness… its just a transition …. and its a successfully transition which took place.
I salute to him and his completion of his life, which was all together a good life….

And when we look deep, sadness is not there because its a sad act, its because, we ourself, have a problem with letting go…. we are sad, because we have to say goodbye, stay behind…
We are looking back at the past, holding on to it, with its beautiful moment, which cant be replicated (with him).
But we should look back with gratefulness, what we all experienced together, some good, some not so good things.

In gratefulness
In love
In gratitude

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

I am so happy for you, dad!!!
With love
And there is peace now
Thomas

———-
This I wrote to my family (sorry, only in German)

Ihr Lieben Alle in der Schmöckel Gruppe,

heute morgen hat sich Bernhard ge-löst. Gelöst von seinem Körper nach langer Arbeit in seinem Inneren. 5 Jahre Schmerz, Leiden und nach Aussen hin Vergessen. 5 Jahre gebunden sein im seinem Körper, so dass er sich nun, nach der Lösung, erst mal wieder an mehr Weite gewöhnen muss. Auf der ‚anderen Seite‘ auf das Himmlische trifft.

Liebe Familie,
Wie ihr wisst, bin ich zZt weiter in Indien unterwegs, kann euch somit nicht vor Ort unterstützen, aber ihr könnt euch gewiss sein, dass ich in dieser Zeit auch bei euch bin und euch, mit was auch immer, durch diese Zeit mittrage.

Etliches ist nun zu organisieren, auf die Reihe zu bringen, vorzubereiten, nachzubereiten….. ich denke an euch.

Bernhard hatte ein bewegtes, nach dem 2. Weltkrieg, zwischenzeitlich dramatisches Leben. Zusammen mit Inge folgte dann ein überwiegend erfülltes Leben. Er hat es genossen, Familie um sich zu haben und für sie zu sorgen. Erst die Kinder, dann später die Partner und darauffolgend Enkel und Urenkel, das hat ihm große Freude gemacht mit allen zu sein und die Familie wachsen zu sehen. Es gibt viele schöne Erinnerungen.

Jetzt seid ihr alle dran, Abschied zu nehmen. Jede, jeder hat dabei eigene Empfindungen, Erinnerungen und Abschiedsgedanken. Ich wünsche euch, dass ihr euch gegenseitig zuhört, mitteilt und in die Arme nehmt. Das Vergangene rückblickend anschauend, diese speziellen Momente der Gegenwart teilt und frohen Herzens auch in die Zukunft blicken könnt.

Persönlich empfinde ich Freude und Leichtigkeit und Erleichterung in meinem Herzen. Ich freue mich, dass mein Vater es geschafft hat, durch das Tor zu gehen. Und ich sehe auf sein Leben, und kann von Geburt bis zum Tod sein Leben ehren. Für einige Abschnitte hab ich keine Bilder, aber für viele. Jetzt ist das Leben komplett, von Beginn bis zum Ende. Ein fast 85jähriges Kunstwerk.

Vielleicht habt ihr Lust, hier auf WhatsApp, schöne Erinnerungen und Gedanken, Fotos zu teilen, vielleicht in dieser Gruppe oder per Direktnachrichten, untereinander oder mit mir…

Jeder Lebensabschnitt ist gesegnet.
Amen
????????