Happy New Year

Dear beautiful, happy and lovely friends.

Happy New Yeah to all of you. May you be carried by love, peace, care and support during all the year and may freedom surround you.

I am still in Moreh/Manipur/India, at the border to Myanmar. Time went by, but the border is still closed.

For me its until here not utmost a waiting time. Days went by so quick. Days went like hours and weeks like days.

There is always so much happening inside of myself. So many levels want to be relaxed and viewed. And I don’t know where it all comes from.
After relaxing different levels reguarding the body and the walk, other levels started to come up. Pain here and there, feeling paralized there and there….
There are always so many levels of life who want to be looked at.
At the moment, since at least a week, I am again busy with one old trauma. I mentioned it already so often here on the blog from time to time. Its again another level and somehow very painful.
First I thought, its again about not loving myself enough, for what I am. Not loving myself enough for being in this life a gay person, a person with gay feelings.
But its not this only. Yes it is related to it and how this chapter in my life had manifested during the time I came out….
But this time its related how I was handling it in the 80th to myself, in myself. I kept it so much as a secret. I did not tell a single person. I was so much in love with a guy, I met in 1983/84 in Poland. During that time the Wall, the Iron curtain was still a big barrier between East and West Europe. So travelling there was so complicated. And communication by phone or letter was also so nerv racking. A letter from one side to the other took about three weeks and phoning was almost not possible. If I wanted to call him, I had to dial for hours and hours. Because his family had no phone I had to call the neighbor. A phone call try could sometimes take several days and countless hours to get through.
Me with my ‚in love pain‘ and actually not allowing myself to believe, that I was gay, even I was in love with another guy, and with a super conservative family in this field, to that time, not knowing anyone who felt the same, not admitting my ‚gay status‘ to myself, in fear so looking for help, in fear I would not being accepted by society,…. and so on, I looked myself up in a ’secret prison’….. This took place for 7 years, with only myself dealing with the situation.
In this time I created a shield around my true feelings, and this was hurting me so so much. I dont know, if family history, ancestors history or karma pushed me to do so, and this is also not the point, because in the end I had to deal with it. During this 7 years, after I came out and still until this day.
So in this last week, the field around that old painful trauma opened up and I still carry the pain… in my left side, from my left hip up to my heart and shoulder. And its still so strong, that I am so surprised, that again and again I have to deal with my behaviour around the fact of being only a man, who has gay feelings. I am ‚out‘ since 1991 somehow, this is not a secret anymore since then, but still its a topic in my emotional field…. I can’t believe, that this is only from this life…. how can it be, that this is still bothering me so much….
So I do care about that area, and I hope so much, with lots of love in myself and towards myself and this areas, it can peel, level by level, so this trauma can heal and free me more and more.
So this is also my or a inside ‚border‘ to overcome. My inside border, which is still not open, where I have to work on – while the outside Myanmar border is also still closed.
Somehow I am tired of again and again, dealing with my identity and another level of it…. but also grateful, I can see it now, that it turns up again on the surface to enroll, to show up, to heal, to make me more free, free at all and at all levels.

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