Being gay

One of these days I sad down with Sunil and he asked me about my life. He wanted to know about education, one thing came to the other and I spoke about big live changing periods, especially when consciousness and awareness makes some important shifts and break through’s. And I wanted to explain the education of the heart, which takes place also in learning the language of the heart since I am 26.
At one point I was stuck, and my mind was flattering around. Ahh, it was the point, that I was gay, yeah, that was also a important shift to acknowledge and to confess, to come out, what I was hiding for lots of years. This all happened when I was around 29. To that time it was very important, to tell everyone, and to have so many come outs all the time. Also later, sometimes it felt all the time again and again, that I was coming out again and again from the beginning. But I kind of refuse to tell everyone in my introduction, that I am gay. Even though I don’t know, if I am gay or something in between of bi and gay.

I have to tell, that I was hiding in some Muslim countries this part of my person identity (even though replying questions, when it was a trustful person, yes I am), in the beginning I felt a bit bad, but later it became so much more unimportant, because being gay is even not my identity, I am my god-self, where even the sex or my name is not important. I am my god-self, experiencing a human life with a body given, and a part of this human life is also to be gay, on this level. But this is not my true self. So, if I get asked, why I am not married,  I even don’t think of the fact, that one reason could be, that I am gay, because it is not true. I am not married, because to do this journey was much more important in my life, than having a marriage and children. Also now, I even could get married with a man. But I don’t see any reason.

For 17 years I had no relationship at all, and two years ago a affair with a man for some weeks, but after that, I am not attached to him. And I am single again. It seems, that he is coming next winter, to see me/us, but then we will see…. and maybe start again or even not…. I don’t depend on continuing this relationship…. but who knows, what comes out of a new encounter/meeting…??? And there is no other need of any affair at all….

So, why putting this topic so much in the focus? Why coming in a room and expressing first, I am Thomas, I am a peace pilgrim, I am from Germany, I am not married, I have that or that religion, I am gay and so on…..
And also understanding, that all of the I am …… that and that is anyway not true, what remains is only ‚I AM‘ without labels….

But…. the days after I was a bit contemplating…. if I hide something, is there some fear left, that I like guys?…. do I have to express it more?…. maybe to help others…..maybe to help me…. is there a uncertainty left, that it is not possible to awake fully and  be the ‚god-self‘ or ‚it‘? Does society need to know, its also good to ‚be gay‘ on the non identified person level and its still ok to awake into what we really are? Is there still a believe inside of me, that something I feel is not ok?

Anyway, interesting topic and for sure, people need to be able and free to express them-selves, and its so important that we have equal rights no matter of colour, race, religion, sex, sexual orientation….. what ever…. and there is still a big need to come forwards to all these equal rights…..

And it also would be ok to come in a room and say: I am Thomas, I am from Germany, I am a peace pilgrim, I am not married, and I am happy to be gay……


Any feedback or question

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