Emotionally Rollercoaster

Every time I have to ask for another Visa, as these days, it’s for me a emotionally rollercoaster. It’s just so awfull. My upper stomach, my chest and my physical heart are in such a stress. A (somehow) trauma. I act not rational anymore. And because of all my inner alarm, so many difficulties arise outside. So many complications arise.

My only chance is to just observe and being patient. Actually I solved this time the outside problems by myself and I could online submit the application and all the documents. That’s really good. But the rest of this rollercaster feelings are still there. Somehow wonderful, so I can continue to observe.

It feels, I had badly lied to someone and now I have to tell the truth, with such a bad conscience – but I did not lie…..  It feels like a heavy burden, I have to carry….  It feels totally overwheming, and I don’t know why…. It feels like such a pressure in my chest, upper belly and heart….

…. and the only way to desolve this thing, is by just observing with a balanced mind, equanimous mind. Putting my wishes aside, that it should desolve, because while wishing it does not, I even generate more… so I meditate, scanning and observing the field, knowing that all is arising and passing. Nothing stays forever….

There is also a part of me, that is happy to feel all this. Happy that it is on the surface. So I can feel it, observe it, accompany this structure on there way to rise even more up and resolve then…. or to take any other way.

It is (almost?) a prove, that this is not from this life.


Tomorrow I continue walking. In this area and the upcoming West Bengal area there are anywhere lockdowns. But I am allowed to walk. Public transport, busses are not driving anymore, very most shops are closed. Tomorrow there will be no hotel available… there is only one police station on the way after 17km (still in Bihar). My plan is, to drop in there for help, maybe I can sleep there. The day after I will reach West Bengal. But not all the usual hotels have open these days…. so I will be surprised which help I get after 27km walk. And day no 3, also 27km, I will reach Kichanganj, last time again back in the state of Bihar, there I do not expect any difficulties. But all together a bit challenging again.

New cases of Crovid-19 are up to 40.000! today in India. Now its becoming a really lot. And not all people wearing a mask…….

Step by step

With Love



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