Already two month here. Unbelievable.<\/p>\n
The time was and is running. So it seems.<\/p>\n
I finally moved into the Bari\u015f Evili (Friedensh\u00e4uschen) in the old town of Antakya. It’s a guest house, where i am allowed to stay. As an exchange I was asked to show presence in the little shop Barbara has here. The shop is surrounded by stones which have the word ‚Peace‘ in many laguages engraved. First I was a bit surprised about the expectation of how many hour I should be present, but after one day I was with even sometimes more time quite happy. It gave me some structure for the day. And I found out that the most work I do, is doing the ‚peacebirdsforsyria‘ (see facebook) project. Suddenly I felt, this shop is a gift to me. Having actually a atelier\/galery. Univers is wonderful.<\/p>\n
After a while I also started to paint some pictures, which are surprisingly nice, even though I never did a lot of drawing before.<\/p>\n
Since arriving in Antakya I was very much with myself, processing all kinds of stuff. What took a while. Since about 10 days I am more out of the shell again. More open to the surroundings.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n After a while I decided to be vegan. This is about 5 weeks ago now. And it’s not difficult at all. Feeling my wounded belly I experienced again and again a lot of cramps. From being disciplined with eating I went into eating too much, because I could not handle all the cramps at all. So many deep loockings, therapies. …. I have done and it’s still there. What is it? I asked myself. When does it stop? Does it stop at all? Already back in Greece I created this sentence ‚My cramps are the wonderful source of never ending energy‘ and there are days\/weeks\/times when I fully feel it. Incl happiness. So, what is it all about?<\/p>\n I had a very diffecult time at all – not anymore – to accept, that I am gay. And knowing I am already 25 years ‚out‘ it makes me wonder, why is this pain and all the cramps still there. It often feels, if I am not mistaken, that I have to out myself all the time. But why. It annoyes me. It feels sometimes that I even have to say it by introducing myself – as an add. And maybe its also triggerd by the fact that being in muslim countries, I sometime hide the fact of being homosexual. I also feel, being gay is not such an important fact to underline it all the time. Knowing, after such a long time, my cramps, I investigated as much as possible, the painful areas in myself. I can’t find any sexual abuse during my childhood. Since maybe 1 or two years I accept the fact that all these cramps are coming from an abuse out of my ancestors line. And not from the last generation. It feels like 3 to 4 generations ago. And I am not able to release and heal the whole situation. It’s super intense. So what should I do?, I question myself. Why is it still there? And it feels sometimes, that I did not come out before, what is not the fact. If i would be a public figure, I could have another super public re coming out…… But I am not. I know universe is wonderful and wise, so I will go some more time with it, and all the cramps and suffering, until there is a solution.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Already two month here. Unbelievable. The time was and is running. So it seems. I finally moved into the Bari\u015f Evili (Friedensh\u00e4uschen) in the old town of Antakya. It’s a guest house, where i am allowed to stay. As an exchange I was asked to show presence in the little shop Barbara has here. The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2266"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2266"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2266\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2267,"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2266\/revisions\/2267"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2266"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2266"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.steppps.net\/steppps\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2266"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}